so i've had this strange, sobering experience � okay, more
depressing than sobering � which involves my realization that the nervous breakdown i had in the fall of 1998 could have been avoided entirely. this is because several events, which i believed to be actually occurring, never took place. my friends did
not start spreading rumors about me behind my back. my wicked, cruel, hellbound exboyfriend did
not (for once) manipulate me or my friends. in other words i shut myself up in my room for days (which stretched out into nearly an entire school year) for NOTHING.
& i am angry & shaken to realize it.
nota bene: this breakdown was not, ultimately, as debilitating as its predecessor-breakdown. i am still friends with, you know, all my friends. i wasn't hospitalized or kicked out of school. i developed no suicidal ideation, no hallucinations. in the grand scheme of things, locking myself in a dorm room with my best friend & a lot of books & a nintendo64 was not the worst that could happen to me. so that is okay, after all.
it's just weird, four & a half years later, to realize that what i knew of my own life was unfounded, false, entirely shaky, & yet i was able to build things upon it.
dear heavens, look how morose i can be.
